Tuesday, March 8, 2011

[Personal Interview] March 3, 2011

Personal Interview

Stolen from BriannaJea, who, I believe, stole it from someone else

1. What do you do for a living?

Ah, what a question! I suppose that most people would say the obvious things- I farm with my husband, work at the bank sometimes, write articles for magazines…

But I believe this question requires a true answer, not a typical one. I’m a wife. And when I am focused on being the wife my husband needs/desires, I earn a living. Before anyone gets all stressed about woman’s rights, etc… let me explain.

Take something as simple as food. When I am here at home, making three meals a day, my husband comes in from the barn or shop and eats. The cost is roughly $20 a week for me to provide this luxury for him and anyone else who happens to stop by at meal time. (Mind you, we farm, so all my dairy and meat isn’t counted in that. J ) However, when I am gone over meal times, off doing this or that, more often than not he will grab something to eat at a diner. And, if he goes, he’ll probably end up with a friend. And, being the man he is, he’ll buy the friend lunch. Suddenly, with just a few of these instances, our weekly grocery bill jumps to $100-$150 a week.

Cooking meals for my husband makes me mucho moolah to use for other things. Therefore, providing my living. J

2. Whom do you love?

There are many people that I would like to love. Unfortunately, I fail at that more often than not and when I think I am succeeding, I am usually failing the worst.

There are, however, a group of little girls that come to mind whenever I think about love. Mostly because God used them to teach me about true love. His love. You can read the story HERE.

3. Do you have enough money?

Depends on your definition of “enough”. Do I have enough to pay the bills without stressing? Nope. Do I have enough to buy things for my house/kitchen when I desire them? No. Do I have enough to buy clothes when I want? No.

However, if you think of “enough” as… Being able to pay the bills, even if one or two are a bit late, then yes. Or being able to have a beautiful kitchen/house, then yes. Or being able to have all the necessities for a wardrobe and once in a while get something new to add in the mix, then yes.

4. Are you healthy?

No. Not really. I mean, I try to eat healthy and pretty much succeed when I’m at home. (As in, I don’t eat white flour, sugar, rice, etc…) however, my body is NOT healthy. I have reproductive problems that cause weight gain, circulation problems that come from that weight gain, bad wrists and ankles (that come from playing sports as a teen) bad eyesight with poor eye health, bad teeth and… well, maybe that covers it.

Mind you, I’m working at it all but I’m pretty sure that my body is years and years older than my actual age. Its rather sad, really. Thanks for bringing it up.

5. Do you think you are a good person?

What a funny question. Does anyone think they are good? Considering the fact that I know very well all the bitter, nasty, unloving, selfish, angry thoughts that go on inside my head- No. Not so much.

6. How old are you?


7. Who is your best friend?

Funny you should ask. I was just reading through an old journal- from back in like… the spring/summer of ‘05. At the time I was really, really struggling and feeling very hurt and alone and in a fit of anger, I wrote:

I want a protector. I want someone who can see past my tough skin and can recognize the fact that I’m “wandering broken”. I want someone who doesn’t judge me because they know that I already judge myself so harshly I can hardly breathe each day. I want someone who will yell at me for condemning myself. Who will point to Jesus and tell me that it’s okay that I’m not perfect.

I want someone I can talk to without them assuming I’m saying things that I’m not. I want someone I can grow and learn with who won’t make me feel stupid. I want someone who I can feel like I make a difference in their life. Like somehow, the words I say, the things I do, actually encourage them.

I want someone who can hear my dreams and not disregard them. I want someone I can be totally real with and have them really see an accurate picture of who I am.

Guess what? I got my someone. His name is Amos. And, because of God’s grace, even before I knew that he was all these things… I married him. Now he’s mine for as long as we both shall live. It’s pretty nice. J

8. What’s your childhood dream?

To be a mom. That’s all I really ever wanted. Oh, I thought of different things… nursing, writing, teaching, being a missionary- but the only thing that I really wanted was to be a mom.

Unfortunately, we don’t always get our dreams. Sometimes I think that it doesn’t matter what we dream- God will always ask us to give it up. Not because he doesn’t love us but because its our nature to put things before Him. He has to be first. So, I’m trying hard to lay this dream down. I cry a lot. But I’m trying.

9. How often do you laugh?

Some every day, I think. Well, there were two or three days in Jan. that I didn’t laugh. I didn’t cry either. I just walked around like a zombie. But I’m better now. I laugh a lot.

10. What makes you smile?

My husband. He never fails to bring a smile to my face. He’s really quite amazing.

11. Who’s your most dangerous enemy?

Honestly, its myself. The sinful selfish nasty side of me that I try to kill daily but keeps rising up…so I battle on.

12. Where do you live?

In the most beautiful little house. I used to think that I wanted a big house with lots of rooms (mostly so I could have a library…I’ve always wanted a library.) but now, even the thought of leaving my tiny cozy home makes me sad. And my husband promised to build me a library someday. So, its pretty much perfect.

13. Do you think you’re strong?

You know that journal I was talking about? From ‘05? It says: “To quote the Princess Bride, I’m the slimiest weakling ever to crawl the face of the earth.” Not much has changed since then.

14. What’s the most important thing you’ve done so far?

Uhm… nothing? Honestly, I don’t know of anything important that I have done. At least not that would be important to anybody but myself.

15. What was the most stupid thing you’ve done so far?

Trusted people? J/K. Sort of. I mean, that’s not what my heart says. Just the sarcastic part of me.

The actual stupidest thing that I’ve done is not trusted my husband. The times when I’ve stood up to him and insisted on my way… have always, and I do mean always, led to more pain in my life. Should have known that he was just protecting me.

16. Do you love yourself?

Its kind of a love/hate relationship.

17. What do you fear the most?

I fear… never having my dreams. Hurting people. Being hurt by people. Not listening when God is talking. Disappointing my husband. Losing my family. Not being loved.

I could go on. I have a lot, a lot of fears. It’s a bit ridiculous.

18. What is your favorite word?

Don’t really have any. Certain words strike me as funny at times but nothing comes to mind right now.

19. When was the last time you cried?

Today. I usually cry about once a day, actually. Does that make me sound… silly? If it does, oh well. I usually hurt bad enough once a day to cry, so I cry. But remember, I also laugh every day. So, it evens out.

20. What is the best thing that could happen to you RIGHT now?

I could go to bed. Seriously, I’m horrendously tired.

21. What is the worst thing that could happen to you right now?

Someone show up at the door? Because I am sitting on the couch in just a tank top and underwear. J

22. Picture yourself five years from now.

I have two very different pictures. Either one would be fine.

1. I have children via adoption/foster care/birth; am still milking cows; have a slightly bigger house; am busy everyday doing laundry/dishes/cleaning/cooking etc…

2. I have no children. Amos and I are working together doing something new… like, running a restaurant or something of that nature. OR! My personal favorite: we sell our farm and together with Amos’s cousin- buy a 14,000 acre ranch that is for sale in Montana. I would love that so bad!

23. Do you regret anything?

Most of my life, actually. It would be easier to say the things I don’t regret- like marrying my husband. Working with the kids on Rural Ave. Starting WoP. Going to Haiti.

24. What’s the first thing you do in the morning?

Usually run for the bathroom. I have a bad habit of drinking like four glasses of water before bed. (I’m always thirsty after chores.)

25. What are you thinking just before going to bed?

I try not to think. Seriously, it can keep me up all night no matter how tired I am. So I usually pick a random thing to focus on so that I don’t think about anything real. Right now, it’s the Montana Ranch…

26. What’s the highest point you’ve ever been to?

There was a mountain in Alaska that I made it to the top of. I just don’t remember which one.

27. If there’s one thing in your life you want to change right now, what is it?

I would change my personality. I’ve gotten more and more melancholy over the years and I hate. Hate. Hate. It. Not to mention, I think it just makes people dislike being around me. And who likes that?

28. What are you proud of?

Nothing, really. There are things that I adore (like my pretty house and wonderful husband and adorable nieces and nephews) but none of them are really mine to claim- so I can’t really be proud of them.

29. Sum up your life in one sentence.

On a good day:

I’m a farmer/mechanic/evangelist’s wife who tries her best, (and often fails) to follow God’s voice.

On a bad day:

I’m a bitter, unloving, hurt, hurtful, frustrated excuse for a human being.

(I have some really bad days.)

30. Name the thing that annoys you the most.

Uhm. Christians who try to separate their jobs from their faith. People who think they have the answers before they even know the question. But most of all- people who complain about my husband or family and expect it not to hurt me.

31. What is your number one question to God?

Can you please, please, please just come back right now?

32. Do you have secrets?

A few. I mean, my husband knows them all… but I’m not the most trusting of people so I really don’t say much to anyone else.

33. What makes you laugh?

Certain people really tickle my funny bone. To name a few… Rebekah Puddington. Ben Oles. Joe Kenealy. Elizabeth O’Neill-Krop. Uncle Ron. Jamie Metzler.

34. Are you happy?

Most days. Or perhaps joyful is a better word. I am joyful almost every day but I am also sad almost every day. I feel like right now, God is walking me through a pretty rough time so “happy” might not be the best way to describe it.

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