Wednesday, February 23, 2011


I am feeling very inadequate to be teaching teenage girls.
Yet, I find myself teaching a 7th-8th grade Sunday School class
and starting tomorrow,
heading up a Retreat for 10-15 year olds.
What was I thinking?!!!!????!!!
Lord, hear me. Please. Give me words. Because I have none.

I am really enjoying Andrew Peterson's music.
Both things brought on by other blogs that I read today.
Lord, what is worship to you? What would you have of me?

What is love?
Real love?
These questions have been plaguing me for weeks now.
For years I thought I knew...
I thought I understood what it meant to put others before myself.
To love them.
But I'm beginning to see that I had no idea.

Still, I read and read the Bible...
And I can't put what it says together with what I'm seeing.

For example:
I thought that to "love" meant to not lose my temper at people.
To take their harshness and not return with harshness of my own.
To absorb their anger
Along with my own.
After all, that is what God meant by "turn the other cheek", right?

But now I'm wondering...
Does that have more to do with enemies than fellow believers?
Would real love actually confront harshness?
I hate. hate. hate. the feeling of anger.
I would avoid it at all costs.
I would rather absorb than inflict.
But is that selfishness?
Is that the opposite of love?
Is that all about avoiding negative feelings,
and protecting myself?

I have no answers.
Lord, I just want to be like you.
I want to love like you.
If that means acknowledging anger when its there
And allowing others to see it and feel it
And dealing with the shame that comes from it
Then I'm willing.
Just help me understand.

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