Monday, January 31, 2011

The Reality of Life and Death.

I haven't been updating much lately. The number one reason being the lack of internet at my house. The second reason is that so much of me has been swirling through a painful dark time and I couldn't find much to write about.

But, here I am! And the thing I am writing about? Well, I'm going to share with you a glimpse into the past few months. Ready? It's a bit crazy. Full of the reality of painful scary death and the overwhelming truth of life.

October 13, 2010
For two beautiful days I thought my dreams had come to fulfillment. But death slipped in. I don't feel like I've lost a child but I do feel like a desperate something from the depth of my heart has been squashed and left to die.

December 2010
God, please, please, let me get pregnant again.


Yes, I really did write this and then scribble it out.

January 1, 2011
Lord, cleanse me this year. There is so much ugliness building and scraping through my life. I want to be filled with you. Only you. Passion for your word. Not even passion against pain or struggles or sin- but passion for you.

hours later but on the same day

Bitterness. Why am I so bitter, Lord? Where did this come from? How did it sneak up on me and fill my life? God, heal me! I think I'm crazy. Dumb. Stupid. Idiotic. Crazy. I try so hard to be lovely. but I'm not. I'm not anyones love. I'm nasty. Sin-filled.
I DISAPPOINT EVERYONE THAT I LOVE.

I hate it!
DID YOU HEAR ME?
I. HATE. IT.
Why am I here, Lord?
To minister to kids? I CAN'T. I have nothing to offer.
To be a wife? I SUCK AT IT. All I do is hurt him.
To be a friend? I'M THE WORST. All my "friends" despise me.
To be in a relationship with you? I DON'T KNOW HOW! All the things that once drew me close to you now seem to mock me.

So now what?
There isn't anything left.
I'm sorry, God. I'm so sorry....

January 2, 2011
Even now, with the morning light streaming through my window... I hurt.
Oh, God, how I hurt.
I can't even feel bad for my crazy tyrant because I still hurt.

Heal me, O Lord, and I will be healed; save me and I will be saved, for you are the one I praise. Jer. 17:14

Lord, I know fully, that you can heal. I believe it. I guess I just feel like I can't figure it out. I've always been able to figure out the answers to my trials...but this time, I don't like any of my answers. So here I am...

Jehovah-Rapha
The Lord my Healer
The One Who Takes My Bitterness and Makes It Sweet

I continually turn to myself but I can do nothing...
You alone are the giver of life.
You alone have the power to heal.


January 10, 2011
God, I'm so scared. Everything is pointing to another pregnancy...
and I'm so afraid that in a week I'll be scribbling this out...
Jesus, if I'm just days away from crushed hopes-
please, please, please
take the bitterness that is sure to come pouring out
and make it sweet.

January 13, 2010
Time to face the music. Negative.
If I could somehow write a scream, I would.

Why, Lord? What was the point of that? And what the heck am I suppose to do now?
If there is some way for me to understand, show me. I'm listening!

Oh, Father, the only thing I hear is accusations and sorrow.
"If you had..."
"never will you have a baby. NEVER."
"NEVER NEVER NEVER"

I know that isn't you. Can't you speak louder?!?!

January 15, 2010
going crazy again.
Was folding laundry and caught a glimpse of myself in the mirror.
All I could see was fat.
Every glaring fault that I have that the doctor said,
"this is why, this is why, this is why..."
"if you had... if you had... if you had..."
And all I could think was
No! NO! NO! I can't do it, God! I can't do this again. I'M DONE.

Oh, God... my crying heart can't help but ask- if you won't even heal this little thing... then how do I know that you'll even save me from my sins? The sins that have been piling up at my door. Threatening to fill my heart and life back up with DEATH. DEATH. DEATH.

I know this sounds crazy but I don't feel perfectly sane anyway.

January 16, 2011
This morning is so quiet. The calm after the storm.
I talked to Amos. Put everything away. Not going to look, think, pray...
Not for awhile anyway. Maybe never again.
I just want peace, Lord.
Forget about, Rapha, and the healing...
Just, please, I beg of you
Give me Peace.

January 26, 2011
Well, Lord, here we are again. Me with all my sin & ugliness-
searching for you- your blood and forgiveness.
I know that you'll hear me. Answer me. Give me peace.
But it doesn't seem like you should.

Still, I'm here.
For you alone have the words of life.

Pour life back into me, Jesus.

Oh, grave, where is your victory?
Oh, death, where is your sting?

January 31, 2011
The exciting part is the peace.
So many things still don't make sense.
But amazingly, I have peace.

God heard the cry of my heart.

Oh, Father, thank you for the walk through the darkness
Thank you for the promise of light
Thank you for the bursting of morning
that crushes the oppression of night

"Their blood-guilt, which I have not pardoned, I will pardon." declares the Sovereign Lord. Joel 3:21

How can I even being to express the thankfulness I have?
And I know that I have only glimpsed the tiniest bit of your glory!


So there you have it! A glimpse into my journey.
A tiny taste of the battle between life and death that has been happening
in my heart.

May the Lord bless you and keep you
Make his face to shine upon you
and give you peace.

4 comments:

Bethanne said...

Thanks for posting this--I've seen the dark days of depression too.

God is faithful..
God is loving...

Brianna said...

I. LOVE THIS.
I mean, I don't love this. It sucks so bad.
But this is, I think, the best thing you've ever written.

Stephanie said...

Oh wow. I just ran across your blog for the first time. I feel like I could have written that. Thank you for your vulnerability. It had a purpose. I'm not there, yet, but I maybe will be someday. God bless.

Chantel said...

God gives peace that is beyond understanding, even when our hearts struggle for what we do not know, and for the pain of the things that we've lost.

A friend recently shared the lyrics to a song called "The Things You Never Gave Me" by David Merce (I think?) and it touched my heart deeply. He does all things well...oh for the grace to trust that more patiently than I often do.