[loves] May 16, 2011

A few things that I love...

Eric, Rora and Zellie.

My little lovies.

My husband taking me out for breakfast at Lloyds.

Yes, it's a little diner with rough characters...

but I love it.

Maybe I'm just a little rough myself.

Donkey has learned to give kisses in exchange for carrots.

It's the best thing ever.

[if I had known] A Mother's Day Post

Several days ago I went with my husband to pick up a tractor. On the way home, as has been our habit since our honeymoon, we stopped at a few antique shops.

The first one gifted us with a conversation. The owner had been in the antique business for over fifty years! In her delightful shop I spotted a beautiful set of chairs (that I hope to go back and buy when I have the cash) and a gorgeous aquamarine ring (that I will probably never buy but will always remember and be constantly looking for another like it).

But it was the next shop that started my mind spinning. For on the second floor, in the furthest corner of the furthest room, I saw a lovely wooden highchair (that matches my kitchen table), a darling doll pram (just as I dreamed of having as a little girl) and the sweetest tiny cast iron frying pans, exactly like the ones I use to cook our meals each day. I pointed them out to my husband and said, "If we had a little girl..." and my voice trailed off.

Later, as we drove on toward home, I finally found words. "It's just that I didn't know."

My husband looked at me. He reached over, picked up my hand and began twisting my wedding ring around, which is his sign that he's listening.

I was quiet for a minute, trying to figure out my thoughts. Then the words started tumbling out. "I didn't know. I thought that when I gave up that relationship to focus more on God- I was just giving up marriage for a time. I didn't know that in three years my system was going to collapse. I didn't know that I was giving up my chance to have kids...I'm not saying I would do it different, I just..."

Again I lost words.

He started rubbing circles on my wrist with his thumb. "It feels strange, doesn't it," he said, "almost like you were cheated because you didn't get the rules explained to you before you started playing."

I nodded. I stared out the window for a while. My heart was hurting pretty bad. But then when I turned back and found my husband smiling at me, something quieted inside. He said, "I hate that you hurt, Tash, but I love who you are because of the hurt."

I think I fell in love with him all over again. Again. For the hundredth, possibly thousandth time since we were married 3 1/2 years ago.

It was then that I knew.

I would have done things differently. I would have married someone else if I thought that by not doing so, I was giving up having children. I would have walked away from God's dreams to hang onto my own. My dreams and desires are too strong in me. I wouldn't have been able to leave them for God.
I'm so glad I didn't know. I'm so glad.

I'm glad that I hurt. I'm glad that I can't have children. I'm glad for every moment of pain and every second of loneliness and every day that passes by without finding my dreams.

And I'll tell you why.

Because I get to see Jesus. All the time. Every day.

He's with me. Crying. Laughing. In my husband's eyes when they meet mine from across a room. In the voices of my nieces and nephews when they stop to see me and I take them on walks through the fields to pick wildflowers or through the barn to pet the cattle. In the wind that blows across my yard. In the sunrises that I see every morning as I stumble out to do chores.

Obviously, God could have met me wherever I ended up, with whatever choices I made. Obviously, God could give me children now, despite my physical problems. Obviously.

But... well, I wouldn't have some of these precious pieces. Precious because they were bought with tears and fire and pain. I wouldn't have the knowledge that I could be so desperate and so lost and so alone that all I could do was cry and scream... and He would be there.

And I wouldn't have my husband. This amazing, incredible man of God who leads me and guides me and shows me Jesus every single day.

It's true. I didn't know. But I am so glad that I didn't know.

...what if your healing comes through tears?

what if a thousand sleepless nights

are what it takes to know You're near?

what if my greatest disappointments

or the aching of this life

is the revealing of a greater thirst
this world can't satisfy?

and what if the trials of this life

the rain, the storms, the hardest nights

are your mercies in disguise?

-Laura Story "Blessings"

[The Ale Boy's Feast] Book Review

The Ale Boy's Feast by Jeffrey Overstreet

This book has all the requirements for a fantastic read: A missing king. A boy named Rescue. Brilliant colors. Mysterious stories with forgotten meanings.

Beautiful writing filled with poetry and prose.

There is only one thing that frustrated me. There are sooooo many characters. I can usually follow even complicated books but this one completely confused me a time or two.

However, for those of you who are following the Aurelia Thread it will probably be a great conclusion!

This book was sent to me free of cost by Blogging for Books. I was not required to write a positive review.

[Unleashed] book review

Unleashed by Erwin Raphael McManus

Previously published under the title "The Barbarian Way", Unleashed is one man's look at what it means to follow God with everything.

Slightly reminisce of "The Bravehearted Gospel" with a bit of "Wild at Heart" thrown in, Unleashed takes us on a walk through the idea that God is calling us to live a life of abandonment and (yes!) sometimes even pain.

He explains at one point,

"Yet, Jesus' death wasn't to free us from dying, but to free us from the fear of death. Jesus came to liberate us so we could die up front and then live. Jesus Christ wants to take us place that only dead men and women can go." (pg. 48)

I found this book refreshing after some of the watered-down things that I've read lately. No, he wasn't the most eloquent of writers and seemed slightly repetitive at times. But he was real. And that counts for a whole lot in my book.

Disclosure of Material Connection: I received this book free from the publisher through the BookSneeze®.com <http://BookSneeze®.com> book review bloggers program. I was not required to write a positive review. The opinions I have expressed are my own. I am disclosing this in accordance with the Federal Trade Commission’s 16 CFR, Part 255 <http://www.access.gpo.gov/nara/cfr/waisidx_03/16cfr255_03.html> : “Guides Concerning the Use of Endorsements and Testimonials in Advertising.”

[pieces] April 24, 2011

Ever feel like you're sitting there watching and someone else is living your life?



I was standing in my Sunday School classroom today, waiting for my girls to arrive and realized that I was feeling that way.

It seems like I'm in pieces. A piece here. A piece there.

Its Easter today.

And part of me is still in LaColline, singing "Christ Arose" with my husband as we drove back to the mission in the morning mist, watching the sun rise and remember the tiny baby girl that we had just delivered home with her smiling Mama and protective Daddy.

Part of me is sitting around my parents kitchen table laughing with family.

Part of me is watching the tiny little twins toddle around Mom and Dad's old house, finding eggs set out in plain sight.

Part of me is still fifteen singing "Was it a Morning like this?" with Brianna as we paraded around in our "Easter bonnets".

Yet through every piece there is a thread... the bright joy that flows and spills and swirls. That I have a Savior. One who died for me and then did something so amazing that it seems impossible. He conquered death. And now I can live.

[Acts] April 15, 2011

Every day they continued to meet together in th temple courts. They broke bread in their homes and ate together with glad and sincere hearts, praising God and enjoying the favor of all the people. And the Lord added to their number daily those who were being saved.

Acts 2:46-47

[The Final Summit] book review

The Final Summit

By Andy Andrews

The Final Summit is the second story about David Ponder that Andrews has written. The first, The Traveler’s Gift begins the tale.

Mixing fiction, allegory and inspiration (though categorizing the book as “self-help”) Andrews attempts to tell an epic tale that will alter the way a reader thinks about life.

David Ponder is a self-made man who used the principles of success (given to him in the first book) to create a fortune. How he learned those principles is the key. He was selected to travel through time and meet some of the most influential people in history.

In The Final Summit David is again selected to be a part of something beyond the human’s realm of possibility. The archangel Gabriel summons him to a meeting where all the time-travelers from history will be gathered to answer a question.

What does humanity need to do, individually and collectively, to restore itself to the pathway toward successful civilization?

Using true stories from history, the time-travelers work to come up with the two word answer.

They offer some good ones, peppered with heroic tales. Restore hope. Seek wisdom. Show courage. Exhibit self-discipline. Build character.

Yet none are correct and their time is running out.

The answer, which eventually comes (yes, beware, I am adding a spoiler!) is simple, so simple they had missed it. Just do something. (slightly reminisce of Nike?)

This book started slow. And by that I mean, s-l-o-w. I probably wouldn’t have ever made it back to it if I wasn’t required to write this review.

Once I got into it, there was much to enjoy. The historical and scientific facts are fascinating. The story-line is interesting.

However, the claims that Andrews is similar to C.S. Lewis are very, very false. There is one glaring difference between the two. C. S. Lewis wrote to acknowledge and establish what God does. This book is written to imply that we are the ones that change the world.

It actually made me want to cry.

Yes, if we “do something” then perhaps we can create a “successful civilization” in our tiny human comprehension. But God has so much more. So very much more.

I agree with the fact that we need more action. More people need to get off their butts and do something.

But there is purpose and reason behind that. And it has very little to do with “successful civilization”. It has everything to do with showing people who God is.

If I had been given this book to read by some random publishing house, I would have thought, “Hm… interesting. There’s even a little bit of faith element in there.” But I wasn’t. It’s classified as “Christian” and it is not really. It is simply the “good” view. If we’re “good” and acknowledge that there is a God up there and do something to help humanity; that is then the very greatest achievement.

It makes me cry because that is just a little itty tiny bit of what God has. Yes. We should do something. Yes, we should help humanity. But that’s only a small part.

If I was asked the same question David Ponder was, my answer would be, humble yourself. If this world would humble itself, individually and collectively, then I believe we would be amazed at the greatness of the civilization that would come out of it. With God at the very center.

Disclosure of Material Connection: I received this book free from Thomas Nelson as part of the BookSneeze program. I was not required to write a positive review. The opinions I have expressed are my own.