Thursday, June 24, 2010

Taking Thoughts Captive.

Why can't I manage to control my thoughts?

I can think of so many bitter, unlovely things.

Why can't the beautiful sweet things come as naturally?

I want my thoughts to be swirls of loveliness. I want the unkind things of my past, my present and my future to be lost in the sweetness of them.

Why can't the ugliness be lost in the beauty? Why is it the other way around?

Oh, my God, Redeemer and friend. Heal me. I can be so bitter and empty. I don't want to be. I want to be full and beautiful. Have I lost all of my beauty in the midst of this? Am I wasting away into nothing? Or am I just realizing that I have always been nothing?

Pascal once referred to mankind as "licking the earth". I feel like that tonight. I lick the earth.

Nothing. Empty. Earth licker. Raw. Undesirable.

Remind me, God, of your unfailing love. Remind me why you picked me to be your child. How do you see me? Am I empty to you?


Beloved of God said...

Hi Natalie, I discovered your blog through YLCF. You seem to have such a sensitive and honest heart, and seem to be seeking so earnestly and sincerely. That touches my heart! Looking forward to reading more.. :)

Beloved of God said...

ummm!! And I've just called you Natalie, when it's Natasha!! hehe so sorry!

nmetzler said...

Thanks! :)