The Damascus Way

The DamascusWay

I’ve been desperate lately for some good reading material. Unfortunately, the speed at which the local library acquires new fiction is much slower than my reading pace.

I’ve supplemented with quite a lot of nonfiction. The only problem is that I’m such a “studier” that I can’t just read through a good nonfiction. I want to take notes. So it is not very relaxing.

When I heard that Janette Oke and Davis Bunn were coming out with a new series based on the book of Acts, I was very excited. Unfortunately, I couldn’t seem to get into the first two books

Perhaps to someone who wasn’t as familiar with the book of Acts they would have been a bit more enthralling.

Still, when “The Damascus Way” appeared on the shelf, I checked it out and prepared to skim through it like I had the others.

But I did not.

I loved it.

The characters were interesting, but then again, that is something that Oke is known for- her real characters.

The story-line, in my mind, was fascinating.

What happens when a man’s wife, mistress and daughter all become believers?

The side-story of Abigail adds a bit of the quiet love-story that Oke is known for.

The glimpse into the early church is also something that excites me.

The miracles, the persecution, the rapid spreading of the gospel, the overwhelming sense that this is the church that Jesus died to create.

I’ll stop now.

But I will leave you with my favorite quote from the book.

“Part of coming to know Jesus is coming to know ourselves, Papa. Seeing all the things that we otherwise might wish to keep hidden. Even from our own minds.” (pg. 570)

Is that not the truth!

The Reality of Life and Death.

I haven't been updating much lately. The number one reason being the lack of internet at my house. The second reason is that so much of me has been swirling through a painful dark time and I couldn't find much to write about.

But, here I am! And the thing I am writing about? Well, I'm going to share with you a glimpse into the past few months. Ready? It's a bit crazy. Full of the reality of painful scary death and the overwhelming truth of life.

October 13, 2010

For two beautiful days I thought my dreams had come to fulfillment. But death slipped in. I don't feel like I've lost a child but I do feel like a desperate something from the depth of my heart has been squashed and left to die.

December 2010

God, please, please, let me get pregnant again.

Yes, I really did write this and then scribble it out.

January 1, 2011

Lord, cleanse me this year. There is so much ugliness building and scraping through my life. I want to be filled with you. Only you. Passion for your word. Not even passion against pain or struggles or sin- but passion for you.

hours later but on the same day

Bitterness. Why am I so bitter, Lord? Where did this come from? How did it sneak up on me and fill my life? God, heal me! I think I'm crazy. Dumb. Stupid. Idiotic. Crazy. I try so hard to be lovely. but I'm not. I'm not anyones love. I'm nasty. Sin-filled.

I DISAPPOINT EVERYONE THAT I LOVE.

I hate it!

DID YOU HEAR ME?

I. HATE. IT.

Why am I here, Lord?

To minister to kids? I CAN'T. I have nothing to offer.

To be a wife? I SUCK AT IT. All I do is hurt him.

To be a friend? I'M THE WORST. All my "friends" despise me.

To be in a relationship with you? I DON'T KNOW HOW! All the things that once drew me close to you now seem to mock me.

So now what?

There isn't anything left.

I'm sorry, God. I'm so sorry....

January 2, 2011

Even now, with the morning light streaming through my window... I hurt.

Oh, God, how I hurt.

I can't even feel bad for my crazy tyrant because I still hurt.

Heal me, O Lord, and I will be healed; save me and I will be saved, for you are the one I praise. Jer. 17:14

Lord, I know fully, that you can heal. I believe it. I guess I just feel like I can't figure it out. I've always been able to figure out the answers to my trials...but this time, I don't like any of my answers. So here I am...

Jehovah-Rapha

The Lord my Healer

The One Who Takes My Bitterness and Makes It Sweet

I continually turn to myself but I can do nothing...

You alone are the giver of life.

You alone have the power to heal.

January 10, 2011

God, I'm so scared. Everything is pointing to another pregnancy...

and I'm so afraid that in a week I'll be scribbling this out...

Jesus, if I'm just days away from crushed hopes-

please, please, please

take the bitterness that is sure to come pouring out

and make it sweet.

January 13, 2010

Time to face the music. Negative.

If I could somehow write a scream, I would.

Why, Lord? What was the point of that? And what the heck am I suppose to do now?

If there is some way for me to understand, show me. I'm listening!

Oh, Father, the only thing I hear is accusations and sorrow.

"If you had..."

"never will you have a baby. NEVER."

"NEVER NEVER NEVER"

I know that isn't you. Can't you speak louder?!?!

January 15, 2010

going crazy again.

Was folding laundry and caught a glimpse of myself in the mirror.

All I could see was fat.

Every glaring fault that I have that the doctor said,

"this is why, this is why, this is why..."

"if you had... if you had... if you had..."

And all I could think was

No! NO! NO! I can't do it, God! I can't do this again. I'M DONE.

Oh, God... my crying heart can't help but ask- if you won't even heal this little thing... then how do I know that you'll even save me from my sins? The sins that have been piling up at my door. Threatening to fill my heart and life back up with DEATH. DEATH. DEATH.

I know this sounds crazy but I don't feel perfectly sane anyway.

January 16, 2011

This morning is so quiet. The calm after the storm.

I talked to Amos. Put everything away. Not going to look, think, pray...

Not for awhile anyway. Maybe never again.

I just want peace, Lord.

Forget about, Rapha, and the healing...

Just, please, I beg of you

Give me Peace.

January 26, 2011

Well, Lord, here we are again. Me with all my sin & ugliness-

searching for you- your blood and forgiveness.

I know that you'll hear me. Answer me. Give me peace.

But it doesn't seem like you should.

Still, I'm here.

For you alone have the words of life.

Pour life back into me, Jesus.

Oh, grave, where is your victory?

Oh, death, where is your sting?

January 31, 2011

The exciting part is the peace.

So many things still don't make sense.

But amazingly, I have peace.

God heard the cry of my heart.

Oh, Father, thank you for the walk through the darkness

Thank you for the promise of light

Thank you for the bursting of morning

that crushes the oppression of night

"Their blood-guilt, which I have not pardoned, I will pardon." declares the Sovereign Lord. Joel 3:21

How can I even being to express the thankfulness I have?

And I know that I have only glimpsed the tiniest bit of your glory!

So there you have it! A glimpse into my journey.

A tiny taste of the battle between life and death that has been happening

in my heart.

May the Lord bless you and keep you

Make his face to shine upon you

and give you peace.

Sickness.

It seems like it has been months. It's actually been about 12 days.

Amos was sick. I did all the barn chores. I got sick. He did all the barn chores. He got sick. I did all the barn chores. I got sick. He did all the barn chores. But last night! We BOTH did them. What a joy that was!

Now that I've survived the stomach bug and the flu- I can honestly say, it really wasn't too bad. But somewhere in the middle there, I thought perhaps we'd be sick forever.

christmas

Crunching sparkling snow.

Morning red that drifts across the sky.

My boys having a “foot race” on the way home from Watertown.

Evenings snuggled on the couch in front of the woodstove with my husband.

Laughter with friends that seems to linger long after they’ve gone.

Christmas…

Matchless Grace

Depression Meets Grace

The morning sun rises

Soft and slow upon the eastern sky

Another day has come and my heart whispers

“Why?”

I want more than anything

To hide my face again

But God in his patience

Love and firmness

Pulls me from my self-consumed

Depression

To say…

Why are you hiding, O, Daughter of mine?

Why are you wishing

To escape this life?

I created you to face what is before

To walk, not alone, but with me guiding

To be a witness

Not of perfection

But of my infinite, matchless

Grace.

The Door of Hope

My new life verse.

"Therefore I am now going to allure her;

I will lead her into the desert

and speak tenderly to her.

There I will give her back her vineyards,

and will make the Valley of Achor a door of hope.

There she will sing as in the days of her youth...

The Echo of His Voice

The nights slip by and morning comes so early. The whistle of my phone alarm draws my attention and makes me roll over to wake my husband. With my duty out of the way, I slip back into dream land for an extra fifteen minutes before my phone whistles again. Morning!

The trip out the barn is usually more like a stumble. Thankfully, the five o'clock traffic is pretty much nonexistent. My arrival in the barn is met by my husband's "Morning, Love!" as he carries the milking units out to hang on the pipeline.

By the fifth cow I am wide awake and usually talking to them. "Oh, Miss Crooked Feet, you stink. Bow-Legs, what is wrong with your udder? Twin's Mom, you're such a good cow. Ugh. Black Heifer, why did you lay down in manure?" My husband laughs at me as he sits with "Dirty White Cow" who has trouble milking and needs to be babysat.

By the time I have finished milking, I am singing as I carry milk to the calves. My singing stops as I take time to scold the dirty little creatures. "Isabella! Why won't you stay in your stall and out of the manger? Thunder, get up, boy! Gracie, if you would just eat your grain like a good calf you wouldn't be so hungry. Arie! Don't suck on the bucket, silly, drink the milk!"

Then, as I collect my buckets and walk toward the milk house, I'll stop and chat with my "Pet", our little brown Jersey cow. She's such a dear.

Usually I'll meet Amos coming out of the milk house and he will swing me around in a hug and say something sweet... "I love farming with you." Or "Aren't you just the cutest little farm girl that I've ever seen." Or, "Can I kiss you, farmer-girl?"

I'll get a pitcher of milk and head inside to shower and start the laundry. Soon Amos will appear, wink at me and sweetly put his dirty clothes directly into the washer just like I've asked him to.

Breakfast will come (or not if people show up to talk to him) and then I'll become busy with the daily chores...

And even though there was no point in that morning routine where God said anything or did anything profound, in my heart and mind, the whole thing is simply the echo of his voice in my life. Making every day beautiful and precious and sweet.